"Train wreck."

That's how one of my cast mates referred to tonight's rehearsal, opening tech week. I wouldn't go as far as that, but it was rough in places to be sure.

I even totally botched a line I haven't botched in a while. (Though in my defense, it was the only line I botched on a night when there were all kinds of bumps in the road for the show.)

Friday, not everyone could show up for rehearsal, so we did trouble spots. Unfortunately, I was only in one of them, so I spent much of the evening in the theatre not being needed. Then we had off on Saturday and Sunday. By the time we started tonight, we'd gone three days without rehearsing the show, but I can't put the blame there because every week we have gone Friday, Saturday and Sunday without running the show as a whole.

So who knows why today went awry? It is what it is, and to be honest, I don't think it was that bad. I've been in far worse tech week rehearsals, that worried me much more than this one did. It shouldn't be repeated, but it's not a disaster either.

I smeared some dirt on my face for the two times I am in battle scenes. (Though I don't perform any combat on stage.) Looked good. I'll keep doing that unless I'm told not to by the director. I always felt like a guy who just had a shower, (which in fact I do before each rehearsal) as opposed to a guy who's been battling all day at the start of this play.

Been feeling a bit weird overall though about my place in this play. I must admit, that not only is my character, as written, somewhat off to the side, I myself personally feel off to the side as a person and actor in this production as often as not. This despite the fact I've known some of the people involved for years. This has been a recurring, even if not a constant feeling since the start of this whole experience. I can't explain it with certainty, but I think a need for a change of pace may be part of the issue.

I've been in three shows there this year, and 98% of my shows in the last 8 years have been there. Despite having some friends heavily involved in the running and current remodeling and rebranding of the place, it may be time to move along to somewhere else for a while. Even including gaps, I've spend more theatre time in this venue than any other so far in my life. I don't have the right personality to help run things, and I don't want to remain a silent foot solider in the arts forever either. My feelings of being on the outside of this production may just be a reflection of feeling the need to be branching out in general in the local arts world.

I'd like to direct a show there next year, now that they have remodeled, but I don't know if that will be happening. And in any case that is the future. The present is tech week of Macbeth, and I need to concentrate on that the most for the time being.

To that end, I need to make sure I don't miss lines again for the remainder of the runs like I did today. I believe I have another costume piece still to come this week that I want to get a look at. Plus there is all the ritual of tech week and opening weekend to prepare.